Mrs Amy Vassak
Pastor's Wife
Northeast Baptist Church
Danbury, CT
Get in the Ash Heap
Most of us who are married view our husbands as our rock, our stability, and what keeps us together in this crazy world. There are occasions, however, when that stability is taken from us. It could be a calamity caused by God, a prolonged illness, financial ruin, or a collapse caused by his own failure. In any case, we as wives must be prepared to handle those times when necessary. They are some of the most difficult waters a wife can ever navigate.
Eight years ago, my husband stepped on a sea urchin in the ocean in Narragansett, RI. The creature left bacteria on the bone of my husband’s left foot. His bone became infected and soon my husband was septic and fighting for his life. In order to try and spare his life, nearly half of his left foot was amputated.
In the days preceding the amputation, we were instructed that along with taking some strong antibiotics, we were to soak his foot in a solution of peroxide and water twice a day for twenty minutes. The liquid would immediately begin to bubble from the infection. On one occasion late at night, I tripped while trying to pick up the container we were using. I landed on the floor while the tub flew into the air, and almost all of that disgusting liquid fell on me. I had hurt my leg in the process and really couldn’t move. I slammed my hand on the floor and said, “Really God?! What on earth do you want from me?!” My husband was so weak he couldn’t move, but wanted me to come to him so he could comfort me. He had been completely bed ridden for a couple of days by that point.
I crawled over to where he was, and he threw a blanket around me. We stayed there for a while, just sobbing together and holding each other. It was a definite low point for me. I was weak. I was scared. All of a sudden, I heard a voice speak to me in my heart. The voice said, “Now you’re where I want you. Joe is in his ash heap. He feels weak. He is scared. I want you to know what that feels like so you will stay there with him.” I recognized the voice of God immediately, and I knew what He meant. This was my husband’s trial. But, it wasn’t his alone. It was my trial, too.
In the month preceding my husband’s illness, I had been reading and studying the book of Job. I wasn’t sure at the time why God was leading me to read it so much, but I learned many truths from the study of it. We are given so many details about the trial Job endured. It is truly an expose’ into his life and suffering. One of the glaring details God reveals is that Job’s wife felt what Job was enduring personally, had very little to do with her. I’m slow to criticize Job’s wife because she endured so much heartache and loss. But, the Bible gives us the details it does so we can learn from them. Job 2:7-9 says, “So went Satan forth from the presence of the Lord, and smote Job with sore boils from the sole of his foot unto his crown. And he took him a potsherd to scrape himself withal: and he sat down among the ashes. Then said his wife unto him, Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God, and die.” It’s clear that Job’s wife viewed him as “alone” in his ash heap. It was not “theirs.” It was “his.”
Our homes and churches today, have a dearth of strong women, who are committed to their husbands through the good times and the bad. We subject our husbands to constant scrutiny. We abandon them during times of darkness, and expect them to flip the spiritual light on for themselves. We yell at them with emotional disdain instead of talking about things rationally and in a spiritual mindset. We don’t “will them through” difficulties in prayer. We diagnose them as “babies” when they’re ill, and make them feel “less than” when compared to other men we know. When God places our husbands in the ash heap, those methods of treatment of the men in our lives will only multiply. Deciding to be the kind of wife that gets in the ash heap with her husband during a crisis, begins with being a dedicated, loving, and loyal wife when there isn’t an ash heap within a five hundred mile radius!
What can you do to get in and stay in the ash heap with your husband?
1- Become as strong as you can spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically.
My husband is my spiritual leader, but there were a few days when he couldn’t give me spiritual perspective. My husband is emotionally solid, but he was raw and spent during that time. My husband is brilliant, but was incapable of making decisions before his surgery. My husband was Superman, and was rarely ill, but now he was on the verge of going to Heaven. I had to be strong for him. It was my turn.
2- Take a deep breath, and accept the ash heap.
The Bible almost gives us the feeling that Job’s wife paused long enough to speak her mind, and after Job spoke his, she just walked on by. I wonder what would’ve happened if Mrs. Job had sat down, picked up a piece of potsherd and gave him some relief? We’ll never know, but we do know that there is no more mention of her while Job’s friends were there. Perhaps if they had seen her helping Job, they wouldn’t have had the boldness to tear him apart like they did.
3- Be encouraging.
Telling your husband things like, “You probably deserve what’s happening,” or “You can’t possibly still believe God after everything that’s happened!” is not productive for him, but it isn’t productive for you, either. When you say something, you’ve already thought it. Negative thoughts can stay in and go away. Negative words are forever. A spiritually strong wife will never let her life go where her mind has not already gone first. A wise woman builds, a weak woman spews.
4- Don’t give in to negative emotions.
Negative emotions lead to “poor me” thoughts. When a wife begins to feel sorry for herself, she will say and do almost anything to feel better. I can guarantee you that Job’s wife felt better for the first few seconds after she told Job to curse God and die. She had finally given in to the emotions that had flooded her heart in a destructive way, and she was soothed for a short time. It probably didn’t take her too long to realize the damage she had caused, and the guilt that followed must have been dreadful.
5- Listen to the Holy Spirit.
Prayer is key to handling the ash heap. You won’t make it without a constant line of communication with your Comforter. He will speak to you in ways that can’t be predicted or
duplicated by human means. He will give you what you need when you need it. You will have wisdom and strength beyond your capabilities. Connect with Him often.
In some ways, my husband is still in the ash heap. He will wear a walking boot and deal with pressure point wounds for the rest of his life. I change his bandages every day. But, He doesn’t have to worry; He has God.
He also has me sitting right in that ash heap with him, holding a piece of potsherd, telling him we can make it together.
