A Walk Through Grief / Mrs JoBeth Hooker

 

Mrs JoBeth Hooker

Pastor's Wife

Calvary Baptist Church

Memphis, TN

A WALK THROUGH GRIEF                                                          

When people we know suddenly find themselves dealing with a terrible loss, especially that of someone they hold very dear to their hearts, we need to be kind, tender-hearted and compassionate. Our head knows this, but in an effort to be helpful, sometimes we can inadvertently cause more hurt. Following are some guidelines, a few do’s and don’ts if you please, to help others as they walk through grief. (This is not exhaustive, just some helps.) 

1. Let people grieve their way. Everybody grieves differently but everybody needs to be allowed to grieve. One may cry; another doesn’t. One may be weak; another may be strong. One may want to talk about it; another may not. That’s okay. Be sensitive to their need to grieve their way. 

2. Don’t expect them to “get over it.” Losses leave scars. When a person loses a spouse, for example, they become an instant amputee- they have lost a part of themselves. It is a slow and painful process to learn to walk again. And, the pain never goes away, it is just better managed with time. 

3. Be careful what you say and say as little as possible. Refrain from saying things like, “I understand. I lost my dog.” Or, “You are still young. You’ll marry again.” Or, “You can make more babies.” Or, “Well, all things work together for good.” Or, “Get to work; get busy; you’ll get over it.” Statements like these are usually said with good intentions. No one ever means to hurt those who are grieving, but too often we open our mouths and insert both feet. All these statements are probably true, but not what someone wants to hear when they’re hurting. Simply say compassionately, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that we love you and are praying for you.” That’s enough said!  

4. Be a listening ear. Part of the healing process of grieving is found in the ability to talk about their loss, especially a loved one. Don’t get embarrassed or flustered, or worried about how to respond. Just smile, sit back and listen with active interest. That’s all they need.   

5. Give them their space. Don’t condemn them if they don’t want to come to church right away or put pressure on them to come. Facing people after a loss is one of the hardest things to do. I encourage them to come to church late and leave early; to hold their Bible and sleep with it even if they can’t open it and read it right away, and to look past people’s words and see their heart. 

6. But, don’t ignore them either! Don’t run the other way when you see them coming. Don’t hide from them or look away when you walk past them. They need to feel loved, cared about, missed and understood. Rather than talk, write a note. Send a card through the mail. Have flowers or food delivered to their home. Be involved in their life without ANY expectations on a return.  

7. Have no expectations on ANY kind of behavior. Don’t expect them to show up for choir, teach their Sunday school class, host the monthly fellowship or any of the other myriad things we do. Give them time! How long? Minimum of 6 months but most people need a year before they are close to being ready to move back into the mainstream of life; and, a minimum of 3 years to fully manage the pain. Be very careful not to hold people to their normal spiritual standard during an emotionally devastating time. Be patient and loving. 

8. When they do try to come around, realize that grief often comes in waves from a variety of triggers. When it hits, it is hard to maintain control of one’s emotions and this can be embarrassing for them. Assure the person that it is okay and maybe ask, “Would you like to talk about it,” “Could I get you a tissue,” or say, “It’s okay. You have been through a lot. I’ll step away and give you a few moments.” No one should feel ashamed for grieving a loss. 

9. Grief comes in a series of stages:  Shock (I’m not sure what just happened.); Numbness (I can’t believe this happened.); Questioning (Why did this happen?); Anger (This was unfair, unjust or wrong for God to let this happen!); Blame (This is all “so-and so’s” fault for causing this to happen! (or) It’s my fault this happened!); Depression/Self-Pity (Feel sorry for me because this happened.); Acceptance (I’m okay with what has happened.) Expect them to go through these stages. It’s a part of the process. 

10. It is also normal for them to feel like their head is floating away from their body. They may feel at times like they are emotionally going crazy. They may not be able to fall asleep at night or, they may struggle with horrible, frightening nightmares that won’t go away. All of this is normal. Help is available if these problems continue to get worse rather than better. 

If in doubt of what to do or say, just remember the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12, Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. 

God bless and hope you have a wonderful day!