A Walk Through Grief / Mrs JoBeth Hooker

 

Mrs JoBeth Hooker

Pastor's Wife

Calvary Baptist Church

Memphis, TN

A WALK THROUGH GRIEF                                                          

When people we know suddenly find themselves dealing with a terrible loss, especially that of someone they hold very dear to their hearts, we need to be kind, tender-hearted and compassionate. Our head knows this, but in an effort to be helpful, sometimes we can inadvertently cause more hurt. Following are some guidelines, a few do’s and don’ts if you please, to help others as they walk through grief. (This is not exhaustive, just some helps.) 

1. Let people grieve their way. Everybody grieves differently but everybody needs to be allowed to grieve. One may cry; another doesn’t. One may be weak; another may be strong. One may want to talk about it; another may not. That’s okay. Be sensitive to their need to grieve their way. 

2. Don’t expect them to “get over it.” Losses leave scars. When a person loses a spouse, for example, they become an instant amputee- they have lost a part of themselves. It is a slow and painful process to learn to walk again. And, the pain never goes away, it is just better managed with time. 

3. Be careful what you say and say as little as possible. Refrain from saying things like, “I understand. I lost my dog.” Or, “You are still young. You’ll marry again.” Or, “You can make more babies.” Or, “Well, all things work together for good.” Or, “Get to work; get busy; you’ll get over it.” Statements like these are usually said with good intentions. No one ever means to hurt those who are grieving, but too often we open our mouths and insert both feet. All these statements are probably true, but not what someone wants to hear when they’re hurting. Simply say compassionately, “I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that we love you and are praying for you.” That’s enough said!  

4. Be a listening ear. Part of the healing process of grieving is found in the ability to talk about their loss, especially a loved one. Don’t get embarrassed or flustered, or worried about how to respond. Just smile, sit back and listen with active interest. That’s all they need.   

5. Give them their space. Don’t condemn them if they don’t want to come to church right away or put pressure on them to come. Facing people after a loss is one of the hardest things to do. I encourage them to come to church late and leave early; to hold their Bible and sleep with it even if they can’t open it and read it right away, and to look past people’s words and see their heart. 

6. But, don’t ignore them either! Don’t run the other way when you see them coming. Don’t hide from them or look away when you walk past them. They need to feel loved, cared about, missed and understood. Rather than talk, write a note. Send a card through the mail. Have flowers or food delivered to their home. Be involved in their life without ANY expectations on a return.  

7. Have no expectations on ANY kind of behavior. Don’t expect them to show up for choir, teach their Sunday school class, host the monthly fellowship or any of the other myriad things we do. Give them time! How long? Minimum of 6 months but most people need a year before they are close to being ready to move back into the mainstream of life; and, a minimum of 3 years to fully manage the pain. Be very careful not to hold people to their normal spiritual standard during an emotionally devastating time. Be patient and loving. 

8. When they do try to come around, realize that grief often comes in waves from a variety of triggers. When it hits, it is hard to maintain control of one’s emotions and this can be embarrassing for them. Assure the person that it is okay and maybe ask, “Would you like to talk about it,” “Could I get you a tissue,” or say, “It’s okay. You have been through a lot. I’ll step away and give you a few moments.” No one should feel ashamed for grieving a loss. 

9. Grief comes in a series of stages:  Shock (I’m not sure what just happened.); Numbness (I can’t believe this happened.); Questioning (Why did this happen?); Anger (This was unfair, unjust or wrong for God to let this happen!); Blame (This is all “so-and so’s” fault for causing this to happen! (or) It’s my fault this happened!); Depression/Self-Pity (Feel sorry for me because this happened.); Acceptance (I’m okay with what has happened.) Expect them to go through these stages. It’s a part of the process. 

10. It is also normal for them to feel like their head is floating away from their body. They may feel at times like they are emotionally going crazy. They may not be able to fall asleep at night or, they may struggle with horrible, frightening nightmares that won’t go away. All of this is normal. Help is available if these problems continue to get worse rather than better. 

If in doubt of what to do or say, just remember the Golden Rule from Matthew 7:12, Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets. 

God bless and hope you have a wonderful day!

Adorning Our Hearts / Mrs Rachel Jackson

Mrs Rachel Jackson

Pastor's Wife

Broadway Baptist Church

Muskegon, MI

Adorning Our Hearts

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Lights are being strung; trees are going up, the hustle and bustle of buying presents, and gathering at all the Christmas parties. The Lord has challenged me this year to not neglect my spirit. As I adorn my home with all the pretty things of Christmas, taking time to adorn my heart and mind through daily time spent in God’s Word, prayer, and sitting before the Lord to worship Him will set an inward atmosphere of a Spirit of adoration. 
A recent study of Mary of Bethany, found in Mark 14, has brought out 3 ways she testified of a heart adorned for worship of our Saviour. 
1. She had an unreserved worship: in verse 3, Mary gave all of what was precious to her. She didn’t hold back anything for herself or allow her mind to fear for her future needs. The oil in the alabaster box would have taken a year’s wages to purchase. Imagine in your mind’s eye with me, pouring out a blessing to the Lord with no thought of your own needs or wants. Giving such a gift even in the midst of criticism from those closest to you. Mary did not base her “religion” on what Jesus had done for others, though she must have been touched by Simon, the once Leper, and the many others who had received healing from Jesus. No, her interaction with Jesus was personal, it was intimate, it was between her and her Lord.
 
2. She had an unselfish worship: in verse 4-5, Mary’s focus was on Jesus, and Him alone. She was not at His feet like so many had been, asking for something from Him. She was there to give to Him. When was the last time you spent time sitting before Him and just praised Him for Who He is? Thanked Him for all that He has done? Not asking for anything or
bringing your list of needs before Him? No one was there to applaud her or say, “Wow, what a testimony”.
 
3. She had an undenying worship: in verse 8-9, her perspective was one that understood this work was bigger than herself. Jesus said of her “She hath done what she could.” Can He say that of us? Mary had heard Him say what He was on His way to do. In a matter of days, He was going to die on the cross for the sins of the whole world. But to her, it was more than for the world, I believe she sat at His feet knowing it was for her. I don’t ever want to get over what the Gospel has meant in my life. Is your life’s purpose about spreading the Gospel? Do you have a relationship where you spend time worshipping at His feet? 

Don’t neglect adorning your hearts this Christmas and may it become a part of our walk with the Lord in the year to come. 
Maria Dyer was born in 1837 on the mission field in China where her parents were pioneer missionaries. Both her parents died when Maria was a little girl, and she was sent back to England to be raised by an uncle. The loss of her parents, however, did not deter her young heart from the importance of sharing the gospel. At age sixteen she, along with her sister, returned to China to work in a girl’s school as a missionary herself. Five years later, she married Hudson Taylor, a man well-known today for his life of ministry, faith, and sacrifice.
Hudson and Maria’s work was often criticized—even by other Christians. At one point Maria wrote, “As to the harsh judgings of the world, or the more painful misunderstandings of Christian brethren, I generally feel that the best plan is to go on with our work and leave God to vindicate our cause.” Of their nine children, only four survived to adulthood. Maria herself died of cholera when she was just forty-three. But she believed the cause was worthy of the
sacrifice. On her grave marker these words were inscribed: “For her to live was Christ, and to die was gain.”
In a day when many are self-absorbed and care more about what they can get rather than what they can give, we need a renewal of sacrificial love. It was God’s love for us that sent Jesus into the world to die for our sins, and it is that kind of giving love that our world needs so greatly today. When we love God as we should, our interests fade as we magnify Him.

Spring Forth / Mrs Rebecca Henderson

Rebecca Henderson

Pastor's Wife

Harvest Baptist Church

Manhattan, KS

A verse God has used in my life over and over is Isaiah 43:19.  "Behold, I will do a new thing: shall ye not know it?"  Fourteen years ago, God used it to call our family to Kansas to start a church.  He used that verse in my heart back then for that purpose.  Little did I know the Lord had plans for me to walk through some very difficult health struggles.  Just recently, God used that verse in my heart again, for a different purpose, to show me He had done a "new thing" in my body and mind.  A year ago, I did "not know it."  I had no idea His plan would include healing.  I hoped and prayed, but I did "not know it."  I have been stuck on that thought a lot lately.  Don't we ALL like "new things"?  Yes, I'm talking about material things.  I LOVE a good yard sale or goodwill find...and a very few of you know that I've even found some "new things" in dumpsters!  Yes, DUMPSTERS!!!  (...a bag of brand new Clinique makeup worth $276 to be exact!)  These things may not necessarily be "new," but they are "new" to me, and I appreciate them just the same.

How can it be so easy for us to value "old" material things as much as "new" material things, yet when God wants to do the very same things in our hearts and lives, we refuse?  There are "old" spiritual things in each of our lives that at one point, maybe even years ago, were "new" and exciting to us.  As we walk through life, we have no idea what God has ahead for us (the "shall ye not know it" part of Isaiah 43:19).  We can be so stubborn (especially as women).  So many times, God wants to "do a new thing" with the "old" part of our lives, but we simply won't allow it.  We can't see His plan, so we resist.  We aren't willing to let go of fleshly desires or unhealthy habits.  These may even be things we consider to be "spiritual," yet, in reality, they are nothing more than empty actions and offerings.  We are comfortable right where we are, all the while, forgetting the original excitement that came with the "NEW THING"!!!  Surrender is all about yielding the "not knowing" in order for a "NEW THING" to "SPRING FORTH"!  Allow Him to do a "NEW THING" in your life today!!!

Praise and Thanksgiving / Mrs Barb Jackson

Mrs Barb Jackson

Pastor's Wife

Batavia, IA

Praise and Thanksgiving

It is that time of year when we gather with families and friends and dedicate the day to praising God and thanking Him for His blessings.  We eat, reminisce, and enjoy holiday traditions.  We share with one another for which we are thankful: family, food, home, job, and health.  Then, tomorrow comes and we return to life's every day demands.  Does thanksgiving still have the same priority and focus?  Sometimes we “fit it in” among distractions or perhaps get to the end of the day and realize we left God out altogether.  He is worthy to be praised with all of our being.  God provides for our every need and sacrificed His only Son lovingly.  He deserves thanksgiving every day.

When we approach God's throne in prayer, we need to prepare by humbling ourselves and realize His greatness.  We begin by praising Him.  Praise is recognizing God for who He is, which requires some knowledge of Him and his attributes.  It means we need a close personal relationship with His character and actions through repentance and faith. The psalmist of Psalm 113:1-6 says, “Praise ye the Lord. Praise, O ye servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and for evermore. From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord's name is to be praised. The Lord is high above all nations, and his glory above the heavens. Who is like unto the Lord our God, who dwelleth on high. Who humbleth himself to behold the things that are in heaven, and in the earth!”

How do we view God? Do we have our own ideas of who God is? Do we see Him as THE great God? He has many attributes.  The following are examples: God is immutable (Malachi 3:6), faithful (1 Cor 1:9), incomprehensible (Psalm 145:3), merciful (Psalm 136), kind and loving (Titus 3:4-6), just (1 John 1:9), and infinite (Job 5:8-9).  He created the universe and all is under his feet as a footstool.  I have to admit that I had my own idea of God until I completed an extensive Bible study, “Behold Your God: Rethinking God Biblically”, by John Snyder.  In my mind's eye, I knew God was big, but in reality I had a small image of Him.  We will never be able to fully comprehend the magnitude of His greatness because of our human limitations.  Because of this, we must be careful not to minimize who He is when we come before His throne in prayer; we must praise Him by acknowledging and appreciating His attributes.  Let's begin our prayers by praising Him for who He is.  God desires our fellowship, but more importantly, He wants and deserves honor and glory.  He likes to hear our praises and be reminded of His greatness.  As His model prayer in Matthew 6:9-13 indicates, we need to acknowledge His great power and bring honor and glory to Him in our words and deeds.  

After we praise God, we should offer our thanksgiving, which is gratitude for what God does. How many times has the Lord answered our prayers or provided for us even when we didn't ask?  He may not answer the way we want, but He answers according to His plan for our lives.  He deserves our thankfulness and appreciation for His provisions.  We need to be specific when thanking Him.  When someone says thank you, don't we appreciate a specific thank you versus a generic one?  It is easy to thank Him when everything is going great, but we also need to thank Him for trials.  It is the trials that bring us closer to Him and magnify Him in honor and glory.  God uses trials to mold us and to fulfill His greater plan.  Psalm 118:1 “O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good: because his mercy endureth for ever.”  1Thessalonians 5:18 “In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”  God will answer our prayers according to His perfect will and that fact alone, shows what a great God we have.

Have a blessed Thanksgiving!

We Are Our Worst Enemy / Mrs Tiffany Ingham

Mrs Tiffany Ingham

Pastor's Wife

Emmanuel Baptist Church

Newland, NC

Happy Thanksgiving Yall! God is so good to us! Today, I am going to share with you the one thing I am Thankful to have learned while going through a trial.

   It happened one Friday morning, at 4am, in the month of May 2008. I was awakened by a loud crash!  It came from my children’s bedroom.  I sat straight up in bed and awoke my husband to tell him that someone was in the kid’s bedroom. He grabbed a baseball bat and as he opened their bedroom door the fire alarm went off. The closet in my children’s bedroom was in flames and was spreading fast! My husband grabbed a rug and began beating down the flames so I would be able to grab our children out of their bunk bed. We did not know at the time, but the insulation in the attic was on fire as well. We lost almost everything in our home. Our children were safe, thank the Lord! My husband had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for the burns on his hands and arms. 

   I can remember coming back to the parsonage, with my husband, whose hands and arms were now bandaged. As I walked through the blackened mess all I could say was “God is so good!” He spared my husband and my children!”

   A few days later, a fire science class came through and assessed the damage. We learned that a faulty light in my children’s bedroom closet had started the fire.  We also learned that if our children had been in their bedroom for only five more minutes they would have lost their lives. As well as, if my husband and myself had been in the house for ten more minutes we would have lost our lives as well. 

   God had spared my family. I didn’t care about the possessions that had been lost in the fire. But then the big “D” began to set in…Depression. I wasn’t depressed over our possessions even though the church had forgotten to sign the insurance papers that covered possessions. I became overwhelmed with worry about my children’s safety. I didn’t want to let them out of my sight. At nighttime, while lying in bed, I would worry that another fire would come and take my children. You see I had a miscarriage before my daughter was born. I never dwelled on it because I was so thankful the Lord allowed me to have a child I could hold in my arms. Now that my son and daughter were almost taken, it overwhelmed my mind with worry.

   One evening, I attended a revival meeting and the preacher preached a sermon on “Depression”. Can you believe it? A preacher who actually admitted that he had gone through a depression. His sermon changed my life. The title of the sermon was “Protect Me From Me”. All of those bad thoughts that I had been having about possible harm coming to my children. I was dwelling on them and the devil was enjoying every minute of me terrorizing myself. 

   You see…the devil will give us a thought and we choose whether or not we will grab it and hold onto it. We need to tell the devil to flee and give that thought to God right then and there. It was then; I realized that God would take my children when He wants them. They belong to Him and they are in His hands. God has just loaned them to me as a gift. ~Ephesians 4:27 says “Neither give place to the devil”.

   Ladies, remember that God loves you. He does not want us to torture ourselves with thoughts of what may or may not happen.

   I have an incurable disease that causes me to feel worthless at times. The devil will bring horrible thoughts to my mind. But we can not let the devil use thoughts such as: "I am worthless",“I am ugly”, “I am not good enough”, “No one likes me”, “God can’t use me”, or being worried what others may think of us. God does not want us to worry about things such as: Our children, our bills, our past, our future, our health, and other people’s problems. We need to give our bad thoughts and worries to God.

~Ephesians 4:6-7 “ Be careful for nothing but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.”

7. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

 I pray this helps you as much as it helps me on a daily basis. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hugs ladies! Remember, you are loved! We are so blessed!

HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE / Mrs JoBeth Hooker

Mrs JoBeth Hooker

Pastor's Wife

Calvary Baptist Church

Memphis, TN

HOW TO GET ALONG WITH PEOPLE

Life is people!

Romans 16:1-2, I commend unto you Phoebe our sister, which is a servant of the church which is at Cenchrea: 2 That ye receive her in the Lord, as becometh saints, and that ye assist her in whatsoever business she hath need of you: for she hath been a succourer of many, and of myself also.

Romans 16 is a praise-of-others chapter. Paul spends the entire chapter bragging on people that made a difference in his life and in the lives of others. I love this chapter because I genuinely love people. There have been a lot of unsung heroes in my life and, I’m sorry to say, those precious people never got bragged on or praised by me like they should have and I regret that! This is a great chapter to remind us all to look into the faces of people, see them how God sees them- as somebody very special- and brag, praise and honor them. In Romans 16, Paul shows us by example how to do that and gives us some very good reasons as to why:

1. Find something good in every person and purpose to learn each person’s name. People feel special when they know we cared enough to just remember their name. I’m not good at it, but I try really hard.

2. Seek to know only the good and not the evil. Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so them: for this is the law and the prophets. Matthew 7:12 I wouldn’t want anyone knowing only the bad stuff about me. Everybody needs to feel acceptance and love.

3. Be positive about people because: 

a. We are family! They are our brothers and sisters in Christ. (16:1)

b. They serve in the church and are a necessary help to the church. 

(16:1, 2) I think particularly of those who help in the nursery, junior church, choir, Wednesday’s kids class, teen activities, the PA booth, financial aid, the bulletin and so much more. There’s a lot to do!

c. They have put their necks on the line for others. (16:3, 4) Running a bus route in a not-so-good part of town is a prime example of this!

d. Their presence at church encourages the pastor. (16:5) 

e. Fellow Christians have sent them to us and have commended them to our watch-care and well-keeping. (16:7) I think of the Clarke family, of Scott and Tess Ryder whose little girl Sophia has been at St. Jude and the Boddie’s in the loss of Akesha. They need us!

f. They are hard-workers and goodness knows we need hard-workers! (16:12) I think of the men of our church who have worked on buses, mowed the grass, built structures, painted, cleaned, picked up trash, changed the lightbulbs…wow! We can’t afford to lose anyone!

g. They bring others to church with them. (16:14) I think of the Browns who brought Crystal and Anthony. What a blessing!

h. They visit and fellowship with others. (16:15, 16) That’s our whole church!! Our church IS the most loving church of any church I have ever known!

4. Don’t mess with the critics! Don’t give a critical tongue a hearing! Every person in our church deserves better than that! (16:16)

5. If there is truly a problem, then they need us to lock arms and pray for them! God alone has the power to change them and we limit Him when our attitude toward them is not right. (16:24) We need grace. They need grace. We all need grace! It comes through knowing Jesus Christ, but also through:

a. Preaching

b. Local church

c. Encouragement of others

                                                           …THAT’S US! PRAISE THE LORD!

IF YOU LOVE SOMEONE TELL THEM…BECAUSE HEARTS ARE OFTEN BROKEN BY WORDS LEFT UNSPOKEN.

Come On Over / Mrs Elizabeth Carrillo

Mrs Elizabeth Carrillo

Wife / Mother / Helps w/ her Husband's Sunday Class

Lighthouse Baptist Church

Lemon Grove, CA

Come On Over!

I love to party, the Baptist way! I mean, over food, laughter, and stories! It involves some work, but I seriously love having people over at our house. Sadly, hospitality seems to be a dying practice in our society, and even in our churches. We're too busy, or perhaps, too concerned that our house is not company-ready. Do we really have to live in a Taj Mahal, or be able to afford steak and lobster before we can invite company over? 

My family has enjoyed great fellowship both in times when we feasted on popcorn, mixed nuts, apple slices, and lemonade in our friends’ small apartment, as well as during sumptuous meals at the lavish homes of our friends. I prepare simple meals when we have company over. My go-to menu includes homemade lasagna (my part-Italian husband's favorite!), green salad, and garlic bread, though at times, I cater to the special whim of guests for pancit, lumpia, and adobo! (If you have any Filipino association, you know that these dishes are labor-intensive, but a definite taste-bud delight!) Oh and by the way, if company offers to bring something, don’t be bashful to say, ‘Yes, what would you like to bring?’ It's more important for me to spend time with guests than enslave myself in the kitchen. You see, it's not the size of the house or the food that is served that matters, but the spirit of the home! 

‘Use hospitality one to another without grudging.’ - 1 Peter 4:9 KJV

Now hospitality is not a time for roast-the-pastor or fry-the-church sessions! The goal is to edify one another. Sometimes, it's a training session on table manners for young parents with young children, or just a time for fierce board game competition! And to make a suggestion, we try not to invite the same people over all the time. We try to have a good mix of church prospects, new visitors, faithful members, and even departing members. Whatever the reason is for the get-together, every gathering at home or in church should be soul-conscious and love-driven! 

How about our hospitality in the church? Do we stare at visitors as they locate empty seats in our Sunday school classroom or main auditorium during the service? If you've experienced this as I have, you'll agree that it's awkward and uncomfortable! Nobody should be walking up and down the aisle looking for a seat, when we can easily give up seats occupied by our purses! 

Have you ever visited a church and have been standing in your seat during visitor welcome waiting for members to welcome you? Have you sat alone on a long pew where nobody thought of sitting next to you, or of even inviting you to sit next to her? Quite ugly scenarios to describe, aren't they? Yet these are happening in the churches of our country, while we talk about love and compassion in the body of Christ! Remember the adage, ‘people don't care what you know until they know that you care’? 

‘A man that hath friends must show himself friendly...’ - Prov. 18:24 KJV

I am not perfect at this, but I try to demonstrate friendliness in our church and practice hospitality in our home. A simple gesture just might convince a visitor to come back to church,

as one lady I invited to sit with our family did. She confessed later that she vowed not to come back had I not spoken to her. Well, she not only came back to church, but became a choir member, a greeter in our Adult Bible class, a very close friend, and she ended up giving another lady a ride to church on Sundays! 

During visitor welcome in church, I try to locate the visitors first before I exchange pleasantries with the dear regular ladies in our church (and we ladies know how long those pleasantries can take :)). More than likely, I'll see my friends again the following Sunday, but I may never see that visitor ever again!

Hospitality is truly a great way to show that we care. Yes, be diligent in keeping a clean home, but it's your friendly and caring spirit that really matters. Go ahead and howdy with friends at church, but be quick to welcome a visitor, and offer her a seat next to yours. Being friendly is good for your soul, comforting to the visitor, helpful to the church, but most of all, pleasing to the Lord! I have forged lasting friendships from simple acts of caring and friendliness in our church, and while practicing hospitality in our home. 

‘As we have therefore opportunity, let us do good unto all men, especially unto them who are of the household of faith.’ - Gal. 6:10 KJV

I am certain that the Lord is pleased and honored when we demonstrate love and friendliness to each other. I promise you, your joy will be full when you practice simple acts of hospitality!

So, as my then young sons would often ask, ‘who's coming over?’