Mrs Sarah Green
Pastor's Wife
Kalamazoo Baptist Church
Kalamazoo, MI
When Darkness Stalks
I John 1:5-7
“This is the message which we have heard of him and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”
I John 2:8
“Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is PAST and the TRUE LIGHT now shineth.”
“Depression is a blackness, a darkness that, like a cold fog, wraps itself around us. It seeps into our very souls, clogging our thinking, slowing our movements and raping us of happiness. This blackness has claimed millions and had its cold fingers in my chest. I turned to my Book and the Son came through. After reading these verses today (I John 1:5-7 and 2:8) I understand how my night turned to day.”
The above paragraph is penned in my Bible, beneath those verses in John. My “night” started after one of the best things that can ever happen in life…the birth of a child. We hear of Post Partum Depression and really, it means nothing. My precious baby came and, suddenly, I just couldn’t cope with the everyday stresses of life. I didn’t scream. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t want to harm myself or my kid. I didn’t even lay around eating junk food and watching movies. I just couldn’t smile. Music was annoying, not uplifting. Flowers smelled like steamed cabbage. My Bible was just a bunch of words on a page. Matter of fact, they were BLACK words which matched my mood. No matter what I tried, I could not shake the feeling of gloom and inability to be “okay.” I never said a word to friends, how could I? I had always been a happy, silly, life-of-the-party kind of gal. I ruefully remembered how I used to (silently, of course, behind a mask of self-righteousness) cast a critical eye on a struggling sister who wasn’t “spiritual enough” to overcome her sadness. (Reaping what you sow can be very uncomfortable.)
My husband never noticed. He worked out of town 6 days a week and the one day he was home was so full of ministry and belated errands that if I had been brave enough tell him of my internal struggles he would have never really known the depths that the coldness had sunk to in my heart.
My family lived over a thousand miles away. I was very truly alone.
“This is the message which we have heard of him and declare unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. If we say that we have fellowship with him, and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not the truth. But if we walk in the light as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin.”
I John 2:8
“Again, a new commandment I write unto you, which thing is true in him and in you: because the darkness is PAST and the TRUE LIGHT now shineth.”
“Depression is a blackness, a darkness that, like a cold fog, wraps itself around us. It seeps into our very souls, clogging our thinking, slowing our movements and raping us of happiness. This blackness has claimed millions and had its cold fingers in my chest. I turned to my Book and the Son came through. After reading these verses today (I John 1:5-7 and 2:8) I understand how my night turned to day.”
The above paragraph is penned in my Bible, beneath those verses in John. My “night” started after one of the best things that can ever happen in life…the birth of a child. We hear of Post Partum Depression and really, it means nothing. My precious baby came and, suddenly, I just couldn’t cope with the everyday stresses of life. I didn’t scream. I wasn’t angry. I didn’t want to harm myself or my kid. I didn’t even lay around eating junk food and watching movies. I just couldn’t smile. Music was annoying, not uplifting. Flowers smelled like steamed cabbage. My Bible was just a bunch of words on a page. Matter of fact, they were BLACK words which matched my mood. No matter what I tried, I could not shake the feeling of gloom and inability to be “okay.” I never said a word to friends, how could I? I had always been a happy, silly, life-of-the-party kind of gal. I ruefully remembered how I used to (silently, of course, behind a mask of self-righteousness) cast a critical eye on a struggling sister who wasn’t “spiritual enough” to overcome her sadness. (Reaping what you sow can be very uncomfortable.)
My husband never noticed. He worked out of town 6 days a week and the one day he was home was so full of ministry and belated errands that if I had been brave enough tell him of my internal struggles he would have never really known the depths that the coldness had sunk to in my heart.
My family lived over a thousand miles away. I was very truly alone.
I learned two things in my struggle to overcome the darkness that had enveloped my life and my heart.
The first was so cliché that it actually made me mad at first. My Bible – I could not read it. My mind was clouded and it all seemed a jumbled mess. I was desperate for comfort so I downloaded the app: Bible.is. Every night as I laid down, alone, in a huge bed with a husband hundreds of miles away and usually unable to talk, I would turn on the Psalms and listen. Night after night I listened to King David with his soaring emotional highs and plunging, despairing, lows. I could feel the same sorrow as he cried out “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I SHALL YET praise him for the help of his countenance.” (PS 42:8) “Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed. Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.” (Ps 6:2 & 7) As I listened to the Psalms, a small crack of light broke through the fog. Like a toddling baby, I took another tiny step. I began to pour over the Psalms and NT, reading and rereading passages that brought comfort. Soon, I started to pray, out loud, the Scriptures. Psalms 121:2-3 “My help cometh from the Lord…He will not suffer thy foot to be moved…” And finally the toddler steps turned into a run. I learned a “literal” way (for me) to cast my burdens on the Lord. I mentioned to a friend that I was stressed about something trivial. (She didn’t know the depths.) She said, “Sarah, anyone can hold a glass of water for a little bit. But after several hours, it gets uncomfortable. A whole day, longer, it is agony. Give your glass to Jesus.” That night, I lay down. I thought about the personal family tragedy that I was walking through with some of my family. I thought about our stacked up bills. I thought about our uncomfortable church situation. (Transition is never easy and our church had just gone through a major one.) Those were just the “big” ones. As I felt the fear and doubt creep into my mind, I remembered the glass. In my mind I pictured each of these problems as a glass of water. I began to pray, pouring all of my hurt, fear and anger at one situation into a glass. (It may have ran over the top a little.) I labeled that glass and prayed, “Dear Jesus, this is troubling me tonight. Can you take my glass for me and hold it? I can’t hold it any more.” One by one, I handed my glasses to Jesus and now, every night that is what I do.
Coming out of depression doesn’t happen overnight. Psalms 40:2-3 explains it perfectly. “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. He hath put a NEW song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear and shall trust in the Lord.”
The second lesson that my bought of depression taught me was; BE THERE for the down-trodden sister. I was afraid to tell anyone of my struggles. I was fortunate in that my agony was only a year long, not DECADES long. People STILL do not know the depths of my agony, and all the things that added to it. (Some of them were/still are hard to deal with.) Life is hard. It can be tragic. In the darkest of my valley, if you had seen me on a Sunday, you would have never known how dark my heart was. How cold. How broken. Be an un-judgmental ear, and understanding heart. Be kind, longsuffering and gentle. To the woman brave enough to share with you, be aware that she’s probably only sharing the very tip of a huge iceberg.
The first was so cliché that it actually made me mad at first. My Bible – I could not read it. My mind was clouded and it all seemed a jumbled mess. I was desperate for comfort so I downloaded the app: Bible.is. Every night as I laid down, alone, in a huge bed with a husband hundreds of miles away and usually unable to talk, I would turn on the Psalms and listen. Night after night I listened to King David with his soaring emotional highs and plunging, despairing, lows. I could feel the same sorrow as he cried out “Why art thou cast down, O my soul? And why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God: for I SHALL YET praise him for the help of his countenance.” (PS 42:8) “Have mercy upon me, O Lord; for I am weak: O Lord, heal me; for my bones are vexed. Mine eye is consumed because of grief; it waxeth old because of all mine enemies.” (Ps 6:2 & 7) As I listened to the Psalms, a small crack of light broke through the fog. Like a toddling baby, I took another tiny step. I began to pour over the Psalms and NT, reading and rereading passages that brought comfort. Soon, I started to pray, out loud, the Scriptures. Psalms 121:2-3 “My help cometh from the Lord…He will not suffer thy foot to be moved…” And finally the toddler steps turned into a run. I learned a “literal” way (for me) to cast my burdens on the Lord. I mentioned to a friend that I was stressed about something trivial. (She didn’t know the depths.) She said, “Sarah, anyone can hold a glass of water for a little bit. But after several hours, it gets uncomfortable. A whole day, longer, it is agony. Give your glass to Jesus.” That night, I lay down. I thought about the personal family tragedy that I was walking through with some of my family. I thought about our stacked up bills. I thought about our uncomfortable church situation. (Transition is never easy and our church had just gone through a major one.) Those were just the “big” ones. As I felt the fear and doubt creep into my mind, I remembered the glass. In my mind I pictured each of these problems as a glass of water. I began to pray, pouring all of my hurt, fear and anger at one situation into a glass. (It may have ran over the top a little.) I labeled that glass and prayed, “Dear Jesus, this is troubling me tonight. Can you take my glass for me and hold it? I can’t hold it any more.” One by one, I handed my glasses to Jesus and now, every night that is what I do.
Coming out of depression doesn’t happen overnight. Psalms 40:2-3 explains it perfectly. “He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. He hath put a NEW song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear and shall trust in the Lord.”
The second lesson that my bought of depression taught me was; BE THERE for the down-trodden sister. I was afraid to tell anyone of my struggles. I was fortunate in that my agony was only a year long, not DECADES long. People STILL do not know the depths of my agony, and all the things that added to it. (Some of them were/still are hard to deal with.) Life is hard. It can be tragic. In the darkest of my valley, if you had seen me on a Sunday, you would have never known how dark my heart was. How cold. How broken. Be an un-judgmental ear, and understanding heart. Be kind, longsuffering and gentle. To the woman brave enough to share with you, be aware that she’s probably only sharing the very tip of a huge iceberg.
Bring the Son-shine into her life to help clear away the cold fog of her depression.
Romans 15:1
“We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”
Ladies, let's be the strong woman willing help the weak. And dear lady who is weak, don't be afraid to reach out for help. There IS help to be had. Find a lady who has been through the darkness and come out a victor. She will understand. Don't be ashamed of your struggle. If King David can struggle, fall, struggle and fall and STILL be "a man after God's heart" then maybe our weakness can be used too. "My strength is made perfect in weakness."
Romans 15:1
“We then that are strong ought to bear the infirmities of the weak, and not to please ourselves.”
Ladies, let's be the strong woman willing help the weak. And dear lady who is weak, don't be afraid to reach out for help. There IS help to be had. Find a lady who has been through the darkness and come out a victor. She will understand. Don't be ashamed of your struggle. If King David can struggle, fall, struggle and fall and STILL be "a man after God's heart" then maybe our weakness can be used too. "My strength is made perfect in weakness."
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