Mrs Cindy Crutcher
Assistant Pastor's Wife
Parkside Baptist Church
Mesquite, TX
It's Too Hard For Me!!
Almost 39 years ago, I was expecting my 1st baby (I was 10!). It was an exciting time. I had dreams of her being the “perfect little child.” I could hardly wait for her arrival. We set up a nursery and I started decorating it. I bought little outfits and lined them up all along the side of the crib. I would go into the nursery and just stand there looking at everything. I could hardly wait to meet her and hold her. I just knew she was going to be a perfect baby and I was going to be the perfect mother!
Then on October 31, at 2:37 in the afternoon the nurse laid the most beautiful baby girl in my arms I had ever seen. I thought again, she is perfect, and I am going to be the perfect mother.
Well it didn’t take long after I brought her home from the hospital to realize when she wouldn’t stop crying, had “pottied” all over her beautiful little blanket I had worked so hard to make, and threw up all over me, that this mothering thing wasn’t going to be easy. I should have known that or we wouldn’t start it off with something called labor! By the time I had my 4th child my expectation went from having the “perfect” baby to, “Lord, please Help!” It was too hard for me.
When I got married, I married my high school sweetheart. I thought I was marrying Prince Charming and that we were going to live happily ever after. I know, you thought you were marrying a Prince to, then you kissed him and he turned into a frog! But I thought I was going to live happily ever after.
On October 13, 1983, I went to pick my daughter up from our Christian school. Her teacher met me at the door and said, “The preacher would like to see you in his office. As I walked to the office I was thinking to myself, what in the world could she have possibly done, she is in kindergarten – how bad can a 5 year old be??
As I knocked on the door the preacher opened it and asked me to have a seat. I walked in and saw my mom and her good friend sitting there. The preacher began to tell me that there had been an accident. He said, “ Your husband was driving down the road, and hit the side of a bridge, it cause his car to flip over onto the other side. The car fell down into the creek, he then said, “I’m sorry, but he didn’t make it,” and that quick, my happily ever after was gone. It was hard for me.
I went into a deep depression. I didn’t want to leave my house or get dressed. I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone…it was too hard for me.
It was about 2 months later that my mom began to get very concerned and worried about me. I was getting sick all the time and throwing up a lot. I began to lose weight. My mom said, “ You need to go to the doctor.” I agreed and she made an appointment for me and took me to see him. After the doctor examined me and ran a few tests, he came back into the room and said, “Congratulations, you are going to have a baby!”
I looked at my mom and I began to cry and I said, “I can’t do this, it’s too hard for me. My baby was never going to know her father. She was never going to see him or know what he was like. My baby would never know how much he would have loved her!” It was hard for me.
Then I began to think, how am I going to take care of all these children. (This was going to be my 4th child) To make a long story short, my grandmother called me one day and said she saw an ad in the local newspaper. It offered a free computer class at the local community college near where we lived for those who qualified. She said, "be ready tomorrow, I will pick you up first thing in the morning to take you to apply.
I won’t go into all the details, but amazingly, and just by a miracle of God, I got accepted and began to go to classes. Through the course of the class, I got to know the lady that sat beside me. We got to share some things about our lives and got to know each other a bit. She told me one night when we were talking that she had a son who was going through a tough time. He had just broken up with his girlfriend and he was having a hard time with it. She thought maybe I could go to dinner with him sometime and encourage him. She basically wanted me to share my faith and befriend him. I said, “Sure,” I had nothing else to do. So that Friday night she arranged everything and I met him for the 1st time at Applebee’s for dinner. After our “date” he went home and told his mom, “I’m going to marry that girl someday.” She said, “She’s got 4 kids!!” But that was exactly what he did! We were married on May 25, 1985. This year will be 31 years.
Now let me fast forward here a little bit. My husband came home one day and said, “The Lord’s called me to be a Preacher and we are going to move to Hammond, Indiana so I can go to school,” I cried-I didn’t want to leave my mom and my family. It was hard for me.
Well we did move. We got through college and graduation then, we got called to our first church in Goodland, Kansas. I called my mom and said, “I can’t do this, I’m not Preacher’s wife material.” I had been watching Mrs Hyles for the last six years and I said, “I can’t be like that!” She was graceful and soft-spoken and there I was chasing our lawn mower across the front yard.
More change for me meant more fears. As we were packing up to move to Goodland, Kansas I was scared. It was hard for me.
I called my cousin, and I said, Cindy, I’m scared, we are leaving in a week and I don’t think I can do this.” She took me to lunch the next day and gave me the best advice. She said, “You will have to grow into that position, if you will stay faithful, read your bible and keep going, you will grow into it.”
Ladies, through all these things that have happened to me, I had to learn to be willing to grow. II Peter 3:16 & 18 As also in all his epistles, speaking in them of these things; in which are some things hard to be understood, which they that are unlearned and unstable wrest. As they do also the other scriptures unto their own destruction. (18) But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.
We need to realize that change is necessary for growth and, is inevitable. Whether it be physically or spiritually, change happens, I’m going to be 57 years old this year and I’m experiencing some changes. I don’t remember things like I used to. My skin is falling! It’s starting to puddle down around my knees! Things are changing. I used to have to worry about the hair on my legs, now I have to worry about the hair on my chinny chin chin! (That’s a scary change!)
The Bible says in II Peter 3:18 – But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.
Change or difficulties, trials, heartaches, or whatever you want to call them, are a part of life and can be hard, but it’s inevitable and sometimes necessary for our spiritual growth. You will do one of two things – you will either grow from it or you will give up and quit! A marriage will either grow or decay, or even worse, fail because of difficulties. Even in a church, both church growth and church splits are usually the result of hard times, strife, change or some sort of difficulty. Except them and decide to grow ….even when it’s to hard for me
Let me share with you what can happen to us when we go through hard times.
(Shoe Stretcher) – God allows things into our lives so we will grow. He is stretching us to a new spiritual growth.
How do we handle that? Get close to Him. Sometimes, when you buy a new pair of shoes they are tight, after wearing them a little at a time you can stretch them until they become more comfortable. That’s what God is doing to us. He is stretching us and growing us to be better for Him.
So first get close to God. While God is stretching you, keep your heart soft and tender. Don’t get tough or hard. It will be your natural instinct to become hard or bitter. The world would like for us to believe as women we should be strong and we can do anything. The world is telling us, “I am women hear me roar.” But there is a difference between being a strong woman and a strong-willed woman. The world’s attitude is a strong willed woman.
A strong-willed woman says, “I can handle it, you can’t hurt me, I’m strong.” But that kind of thinking is only causing you to build a hard shell around your heart.
A strong woman will be able to go through the hard time with a strong stand and not be moveable, but, in her soul, she is weak and tender and cries out to God. She doesn’t think she’s going to make it and truly gets ahold of God for her strength!
Example: The times I have disagreed, strongly, or argued with my husband I will think to myself, “He’s not going to treat me like that. I deserve better than this. He just doesn’t understand”…blah, blah, blah. What I am doing is hardening myself and the Bible says in Prov. 28:14, But he that hardeneth his heart shall fall into mischief. Don’t let your heart get hard.
But once I start talking to God and pouring out my heart to Him, He starts softening me. He starts giving me thoughts like, “He just has so much on his mind” or “He’s really not feeling good today.” “He’s had a hard day at work,” and I start to soften up and my heart will get tender towards him again and I can go back to him and apologize and be able to say, “I’m sorry.” ( I’m just a girl)
(The resoler)
Second – After a difficulty comes, know how to re-soul yourself. This is key – the most important part. When a difficult time has come to you, it will leave you with a big hole in you soul. (your heart)
(Husband’s shoe with hole in bottom) My husband has walked a lot in these shoes and he has worn them out. That’s what happens to us. We get worn out through the trials and hardships in our lives and we have to “re-soul” ourselves.
A re-soler is used to fix the hole in your shoe. Get fixed! Know what works for you! Get help! And DONT be ashamed!
Third God wants to use you – (Shoe shiner) After you are re-souled, renewed, and strengthened again (back on the right path) then God can use you to shine through and you can help others. I Peter 5:10 says, “ But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you.
God wants to use us! II Chron. 16:9 – For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him.
Life can be hard. Heartaches will come. Don’t get hard hearted or become bitter or quit. God loves you and wants to use you. Keep your heart soft and tender.
Are u going through some stretching? God obviously believes that you can not only take the load and won't break, but maybe is also trying to teach you something so He can use you in a greater way!
When things happen in your life that seem like "that's too hard for me" and you don't understand remember (my life's verse)Proverbs 3:5&6 - Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; lean not unto thy own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him; and he shall direct thy paths.
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