How to help others with grief! / Mrs Marcella Smith

Mrs Marcella Smith

Pastor's Wife / Chaplain's Wife

Sandy Valley Baptist Temple

Magnolia, OH

 How to help others with grief!  (And maybe yourself in the process)

As a pastor’s wife I want to learn all I can about helping people through their most difficult times… God has been teaching me, guiding me, and prompting me in this area of helping folks in their time of grief. It is such a needed teaching.  (I have heard some horrible things at funerals.) I wish I had learned more about it at a younger age and I am thankful now for the many things I have learned, some of them being very recent.  If you are unsure or nervous about helping with grief, please read on. You will never be comfortable…grief is not comfortable, but you can be confidant in your service to others as they grieve. You can become a true helper in their darkest hour. Is that not what we are to do? 

Isa. 6:3 “ To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness…”

Everyone experiences grief differently. Grief in your life is as if we were filling an ice cube tray with water. We have different compartments (areas, if you will) in your life, but as you experience grief and try to contain it into one little compartment, it spills into every other area of your life. You cannot package it up or tape it shut to keep it put. Grief is not neat or orderly… It is messy, it spills over into every area, it rears up when you least expect it, it interrupts your best laid out plans, and makes chaos of your otherwise organized life. It is an excruciating pain that breaks your heart. It makes even breathing a difficult task. It is hard, agonizing labor that steals your strength. It is completely unpredictable. 

Certain smells, sights, sounds and tastes bring grief to the forefront just when you thought you were in control again. You will find yourself crying at sentimental commercials, laughing hysterically at almost nothing, or being red hot angry; with little to no warning. You will be lonely and want to talk and then withdraw when given a chance to speak. You will be numb and then you will feel everything to the extreme degree. You will find that the world keeps on moving when you desperately wish it would stop because you are changed forever, and you resent that change, and want everything to be as it was before this loss. 

In case, no one ever told you… It’s okay! No one can tell you how to grieve. You can laugh, cry, throw things, be angry, sing, light candles, take bubble baths, go shopping, eat junk food, read your Bible, pray without words, scream into your pillow… you do what you need to do. Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 tells us there is a time for everything.  Yes, a time for grief.  It’s okay to grieve.  Even when others don’t understand, Jesus is holding you close and loves you unconditionally. He truly knows
your pain and wants to bear it with you. There is no one specific way to grieve. Give yourself permission to grieve in your own way. 

(Practical things I’ve learned)  When helping others with grief…

PLEASE DO NOT: Say things like: “Heaven’s getting sweeter”  “You ‘ll get over it” “You are crying like there is no Heaven” “I understand exactly how you feel”


Act like nothing happened Reprimand them for unstable emotions Expect certain emotions from them Make their experience about you (telling them of all your losses and how you are still hurting) 

If you are thinking, “don’t people already know these things?”, then you have not been to the funerals that I attended. Yikes! if you don’t know what to say then just say very little and give them a quick hug! Please, you are hurting when you should be helping, simply because you have not learned about how to handle yourself while others are grieving. I am amazed at the hurtful things I hear at funerals. (Most are said in ignorance with a spirit of truly trying to help) Other words are said in selfishness. Think of others, not yourself, when you are trying to help someone during extreme grief.

PLEASE DO: Give a hug, say I’m so sorry or I’m praying for you Text them quotes or encouraging scriptures or call them often during the next few weeks Let them talk about their loss as little or as much as they choose to Let them guide the conversation Just sit with them Act normal around them Send cards to them (remembering their loved one’s special days too) Take them a meal or purchase a restaurant gift card so they can use it at their leisure Let them show whatever emotion they need to at that moment  Be sensitive to their needs – food, water, help with little kids, sleep, mints, hand sanitizer, etc. (then do your best to meet the need as unobtrusively as possible) Make yourself available anytime – give them your phone number Listen, listen, listen! Go with the flow…learn them, lift them up, encourage them. LOVE THEM!

Ask God to guide your actions so that you know when and how much to reach out to them, what to say, and how to comfort them in that moment. You cannot be in the place of their loved one, so don’t even try. But you can help with the loneliness and pain by walking with them through
this valley. Never stop reaching out, even if you feel you have erred in your way of helping them. You will never go wrong in reaching out to someone, with Christ’s love, during a difficult time in their life.